When I was dating, I kept making the same fruitless decisions and wondering, “how did I end up here – again?” It was as if I hadn’t learned the last time – or if I’m honest, that I’d not taken time to process the failure of the last dating “situation” or relationship that I was in.
Eventually I realized the issue wasn’t the guy – before you stop reading hear me out – it was the underlying issues from my life that I hadn’t addressed. He – whoever “he” was at the time – was just a reflection of what I believed, or didn’t believe, about myself. Sure, my professional resume was shaping up really nice, but my emotional resume was another story.
I had to address the ugly childhood experiences to figure out what was driving my self-sabotaging dating behavior. It wasn’t easy because I didn’t want to admit the pain, the hurt, the shame but often it’s what is needed to grow.
Sometimes we try to stuff our pain away in a closet, desperately trying do to deny it’s impact on our life, trying to convince ourselves that it doesn’t really hurt. But like any mess, what we don’t deal with in our heart will only continue to manifest in our life.
Have you ever felt like your past was creeping into your present?
• You keep meeting the same type of guy – although you swore this one was different
• The thought of getting too close makes you nervous because you’re terrified of being vulnerable
• You can’t figure out why you say Yes when you should obviously say No to that next date
• You convince yourself that it’s easier to be alone because you just don’t want be hurt anymore
Our past shows up who we choose to date, what we allow in relationships, and can put us on an endless cycle of counterproductive decisions. It’s the reason why the first module of my dating course focuses on past experiences. When you haven’t truly cleaned out your heart, the residue of pain will spew into other areas of your life – you keep “tripping” over the issues you refuse to deal with.
It was when I began to ask myself the tough questions and deal that I started to see a shift in my dating behavior. If you’re single or dating, I believe there’s a number of questions you can ask yourself, but here are four to start with:
1. What hurt, pain or issues haven’t I dealt with?
2. Who am I unwilling to forgive?
3. What negative patterns do I see in my life that need to be corrected?
4. How has my past shaped my perspective? Is that perspective helping me or hurting me?
Your honest answers will provide insight into the areas that you should address. It will take time, but the results will be a heart that is ready and open to receive the best love for you.
Own your greatness. Walk with confidence in your relationships.
Velera Wilson is a speaker, author and the founder of Positive Identity, a company that creates inspirational and educational content to help women own their greatness in their career, relationships, and everyday life. Connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.